Desperate Housewives

For as much cynicism that can come with being around so many people every day, I also have the marvelous opportunity to see wonderful, good deeds take place. We have many bible studies that meet at our coffee shop and often times, they go into the private room, shut the door and we don't see them for an hour. I have to admit that often times, these bible studies are filled with gossipy, snarky women that use this time for more of a social hour than to actually study the bible. Today, although, was different, and it was wonderful because I had the chance to be a true fly on the wall, because I was in the room next to them, which is my office, with my door closed. They had no idea that I could hear everything that took place.

When I first walked by the room, I noticed there was a lady here by herself, sitting quiety, praying in a corner of the room. The bible study ladies came in, laughing and talking loudly like they do, and asked if they could use a chair at her table. When she looked up they noticed that she had been reading her bible and engaged her in conversation. Through talking, they found that she had just moved to our town and didn't know a soul. She stayed at home with two small children, making it hard to get out and meet other people. They all introduced themselves and invited her to join them. She began to explain her childcare dilema and suddently burst into tears when one of the ladies sympathized with her and told her that she understood just how hard it is to move to a new town and not know anyone. While she cried, they all told her how they all met, and that they knew what she was going though...the pain of being alone and not even having the time to get out to meet people. She eventually calmed down and they exchanged names and phone numbers.

It was so nice and refreshing to see the bible study ladies actually DO something kind for someone else. Personally, I believe that is the true essence of living biblically. So many times, people will SAY they go to church or SAY the read the Bible, but the don't actually live it.

Balm

I am a really nice person to my customers. I am really cynical to myself. This is partly how I get so much material for stories. I really do like my customers...the problem lies when they think I like them a lot more than I really do. Like on not such a platonic level. One particular guy comes to mind who I have dubbed "Balm." He moved to my area about 2 years ago and of course started frequenting my lovely little coffee shop. A very, very large guy, probably in his early 30's, excessively, Ted Kazinski-style hairy, and often wears flannel shirts and bib overalls. Balm is one of those guys that probably doesn't have girls stick around very long because he ends up freaking them out. This is how our first conversation went:

"I'll have a 20 oz regular coffee."

"Would you like room for cream?"

"So, what do you like to do in your spare time?"

"Um....I dunno...did you want room for cream?"

"Sure...really, though...what do you like to do?"

Awkward!

"Um. Read?"

"What do you like to read?"

Is this guy serious? Isn't there a better way to start a friendship than asking someone what they like to do in their spare time? Like, maybe what their name is?

"Actually, I don't really have that much time to read. I work...mostly...yeah, I work. I don't have spare time."

"You're too serious."

Okay, yeah, time for me to hope another customer walks through the door RIGHT NOW.

...and that doesn't happen...

"Well, you know...that's how it goes when you own a business. Hey, I gotta check the muffins in the oven, let me know if you need anything."

And so he leaves. And returns 2 days later. While I'm pouring his 20 oz coffee, he starts at it again.

"There's an art show I'm going to this weekend in Chicago. You should come."

Um, yeah, not only would my boyfriend not like that, I don't think I would like that.

"Oh, yeah, well...I'm pretty busy here at the shop this weekend."

"Seriously, you need to get out more and LIVE!"

"I'm having a pretty good time right now, thanks though."

"Okay, well, maybe next time."

"Yeah, maybe."

This course of events went on for awhile, with him stopping in once or twice a week. After about a year though FINALLY Balm walks in with a GIRL. How exciting! She looked perfect for him, kind of short, heavy and homely, and the type of girl who thinks she's a literary even though she's 29 and hasn't finished junior college. Balm gave me quite a strong cold should which I really didn't take offense to. I think he was gloating.

A week and a half later he comes in alone. In my normal, polite manner, I ask him how his day is going.

"Not good."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. What would you like today?"

"I lost a girl."

"Excuse me?"

What??? Did his sister die? A female dog get hit by a car? A co-worker leave?

"I lost a girl today." long pause..."She broke up with me. Said I was too overbearing."

Oh really. That's a huge freaking surprise.

"I'm sorry to hear that. You were probably too good for her anyway. Someone better for you will come along and make you so much happier."

"She couldn't get over the fact that she was the woman and I was the man."

okkkkaaayyyyyy. Where is this going?

"I told her that she had to let me be king and she can be my queen. We can work together, and I'm not being overbearing, but she want's to do everything on her own. This whole feminist movement has completely destroyed chivalry!"

Oh boy.

After finally getting him his drink I had to feel bad for the guy. All he wanted was to have a girl that he could take care of and he's his own worst enemy. It's a pretty popular relationship problem, although usually is the other way around with the girl being the overbearing, clingy portion of the relationship.

I didn't see Balm again for awhile. One day he came in after I had a really bad night's sleep. Not only was I tired, but I had slept on my shoulder horribly wrong and it was sore all day to the point where I was subconciously rubbing it. As I'm getting his coffee and ringing him up, making idle small talk, I must have really been working it because of COURSE he has to point it out.

"Are you sore?"

"What?"

"Are you sore? I see you keep rubbing your shoulder."

"Oh, yeah, just a bit. Just slept on it wrong."

"You need to take care of yourself. Do you sleep with a draft?"

I don't know what the hell sleeping with a draft has to do with a sore shoulder and I really don't want to talk about my sleeping conditions with this guy, even though my then - boyfriend, now - husband does, indeed, sleep with the fan on.

"No."

"You should put some balm on it. Do you have any?"

"No, um, I'll be okay."

"I'll go get you some."

Da da da DUM Balm SWOOPS in to SAVE THE DAY!

"That's okay, I'll get some after work, thanks though."

"No, really, let someone help you for once. I'll go get you some!"

Okay, now I'm getting annoyed. I don't even know what this special Balm is or WHY it will help my shoulder.

"Please don't!" I yell desperately as he walks out the door. Not 5 minutes later he walks in with Balm. This is very special balm too because IT'S USED. A small, slimy pot, covered in a few random hairs and dirt THIS is what he gives me to rub on my sore shoulder. Polite as I am, I ask him what I owe him for it. He gives me a coy smile and walks out the door.

God, I hope he really doesn't expect anything for this.

And, no, I didn't use it.

The Beanginning

I should have started this a long time ago. I've tried to mentally log my customers' stories since I opened but it's beginning to be impossible to remember them all. Some stories are funny, some completely insane, some are touching and a few make me completely angry. Some stories may not even be about customers and will simply be tales from the back of a coffee shop. I love, love, love my coffee shop but I love even more the entertainment my customers provide to me.